but I use them to find the encouragement. I don’t know what I am.
+My father calling me fat when we were fighting (never happened before in my life)
+ How crazy my life has been lately. I’ve started college and failed out of two classes because- surprise- I was lazy and didn’t take initiative because I wanted to ‘take it easy’ and recover.
+Watching A Girl With A Dragon Tatoo in theatre (“Would you like something to eat?” “no”. I used to be that strong)
+ Trying on my friend’s clothes and having them be so tight on me
+ Skipping a meal due to travel and remembering how much I miss that empty feeling
+The way I feel when I feel my arms
+The way I feel when I take a bite of pie
+How my hands shake when people tell me I look nice
Now I weigh a hundred and fifty pounds and I can’t do this. I can’t sit with my friends and eat pizza and pretend to be normal when Anna is still there, curled up in the back of my mind screaming at me about how I’m loosing control.
I am. I really am.
Do you know how much 150lbs is? On a short girl like me?
On a girl who almost got to the double digits?
I’ve given up on healthy. I’ve given up on sane. I just want to stop seeing the numbers go up instead of down.